Food for Thought: Character Assignments

Yesterday I received a message from someone which was written in a seemingly supportive way, but felt incredibly condescending.

Since the flat tone of email allows ample room for projection, I worried I was reading too far into things.
But I realized that with this particular person, I have come to generally assume that her comments will be made in that tone...in a sense, I've assigned condescension to her as one of her principal characteristics.

Which led me to wonder: Are there some adjectives we cannot determine FOR ourselves ABOUT ourselves? Some characteristics that must, instead, be decided by others?

I doubt someone would ever feel that they are purposely condescending, but perhaps it's not something for them to decide; in all likelihood they wouldn't recognize the quality in themselves. Rather, someone who is the direct recipient of the condescension can be the only best judge.

It's disconcerting to think that our self-assessments aren't the only opinions that matter. I was recently told that there are three stories in life: Yours, The Other Guy's, and The Truth. They all matter, and all factor in, but there are so many shades of gray between them.

How much of your opinion versus the other guy's makes the truth of who you are?

What do you think?
Cxx.

Food For Thought: Life Advice

As I get older, I find myself lamenting the lessons that weren't taught to me earlier in life.
I'm astonished at the things we're told again and again, such as "High School is the best years of your life."
Honestly, if that's true you should give up at age 18--either you've plateaued as the Prom Queen, or you want to slit your wrists because puberty is painful.

Here are two things I've learned that AREN'T taught but should be:
1) College is a tabula rasa, but not in the way you'd expect.
It's merely a new situation in which you must prove yourself to an entirely new set of people who could care less about your former high school life. Getting into the college of your dreams isn't a guaranteed golden ticket to the life of your dreams. There are no promises once you graduate, even if you have a degree from a prestigious alma mater.
When you embark on your career, you have to start all over again.
You will have to work hard for EVERY success you want until you die.

-AND-

2) You will always be you.
Even if you get a high-powered job, even if you marry Prince Charming, even if you can shop endlessly and vacation in the most beautiful places in the world...if you are a boring person, you will ALWAYS be a boring person. If you are mean, you will always be mean.
If you pity yourself, YOU WILL PITY YOURSELF REGARDLESS of your external environment (even if it's Madison Avenue or Paris or St. Tropez).
To quote one of my favorite books, Middlesex, "There was nowhere to go that wouldn't be me."
Hopefully you'll be a cool, interesting and generous person, no matter where you are in life.

In the vein of supporting legitimate advice over fluffy adages and throw-pillow embroidery maxims, I wanted to pass along an amazing list I recently discovered (via my friend AW). Check it out, and, if anything appeals to you, take the lessons to heart:

"20 Things I Wish I'd Known at 20"
by Mighty Girl





Nothing but love,
Cxx.

Food For Thought: The Career Dilemma

From time to time I find myself daydreaming about how nice it would be to see a big list of all possible jobs.

I could peruse the list and check off what I've done, what I would avoid at all costs, and denote what I wanted to try. By refining this process again and again, I would finally arrive at the "perfect" career for me.

But it doesn't work that way. I've taken some unconventional paths in pursuit of the right thing and, overall, have been very pleased with the results.

Yet part of me wonders if a list like the one described above would help me at all. I feel in my bones that I'm destined to continue on a unique path that will ultimately lead me to where I should be.

But god, maybe it would be easier to just be content working as an investment banker.

Where do you stand on this?
Cxx.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait (and work hard for it!)

As you may be able to tell, the Bunny is older than me. It's not something I sought out, but that's how it worked out, and while I love him for HIM (at any age), there are some perks to dating an older gentleman.

One of those perks is the fact that his friends are closer to achieving their life goals and have often already become the person they are capable of being; in other words, they've reached their peak. Don't get me wrong: I embrace that my friends and I, at age 24, are still very much in our "formative" years and have nearly limitless possibilities before us...but won't it be interesting to see what paths we ultimately choose?

As a child I always had older friends; one of my best friends in middle school was my 50-year-old English teacher. It was so interesting to me that she had already carved her own path, made mistakes along the way, and was all the better and more beautiful for it. Fortunately for me, she was only the first in a long series of wonderful older mentors that I've been blessed to encounter. My life has been so much richer because I've been able to build upon these womens' experiences. And it's really no surprise that I gravitated toward the older (and sometimes wiser--though I don't want to give him TOO much credit) Bunny.

This past weekend, The Bunny and I celebrated one of his friends' achievements at Jazz Standard, Blue Smoke restaurant's downstairs jazz club. A classmate from Bunny's Harvard days, Josh Redman is now one of the most respected jazz musicians in the world and tours with his band, The Joshua Redman Trio. Josh was kind enough to treat us to tickets to the sold-out event. We met a visiting German couple who came out of their way to hear Josh play; they said he is famous even in Germany.

Josh, at left on sax; at right, the Trio

The music was so, so excellent. Smooth, upbeat, sensuous, mysterious, familiar, fun; jazz expresses a range of emotion not found in many musical genres. And I must say that eating Blue Smoke's award-winning BBQ during the concert only made the experience that much more savory.

It was so nice to see Josh enjoying his well-earned success. And I can't wait until I am able to celebrate my friends being at the top of their game...

Cxx.

Food for Thought: Quality over Quantity.

I have about 11 blog post Drafts waiting to be edited and published. Unfortunately, my life and my week have gotten away from me. I want to say that I certainly never presume that my readers NEED me, or that I have to post everyday or someone will become disappointed.

I merely like for this blog to serve as a record of the things I see, do, and appreciate, and I want to keep adding to this treasure trove of information, quotes, pictures, feelings, etc. as they come to me.

I'll catch up this weekend.

In the meantime, I wanted to write this quick post to exalt two recent, excellent examples that remind us all to to think about placing Quality before Quantity, and to remember that conspicuous consumption isn't an attractive quality:

1) Barney's Babble post.
Simon Doonan weighs in and says "We find the whole concept of the IT bag to be very corny and very very last century. When we launch a new bag we would rather talk to you about what makes it great and gorgeous and wantable."

2) Sartorialist post from Milan.

In reference to this lovely Betty Draper/Grace Kelly-esque Milanese woman, Scott writes:

The Best of Milan- quality, elegance, maturity, and refinement.
On a street blinged-out on Cavalli and Dolce this
super subtle look
carried more
strength and dignity
than any other.

And, from my old standby, Women's Wardrobe:

"What care I how chic it be if it not be the best for me?"

Hear! Hear!
Cxx.

Food For Thought: Other People's Opinions

Apropos of nothing, I was thinking today about a quote I recently heard:

"What other people think about you is none of your business."

What do you think? Agree? Disagree? And Why?

Cxx.

Food for Thought: "Casual Friday"?

I laugh when I hear people discuss "casual Friday." In this day and age, how is a "casual" Friday a departure from the dress code on the other four weekdays?

People wear jeans to work. ALL THE TIME. Women wear relaxed dresses that reveal plunging necklines, open backs, and bare shoulders that are better suited to cocktail hour on a yacht (or, depending on the dress, to a bar in Jersey) than to sitting in a conference room. I know someone who introduced "Formal Fridays" to his company as a way to make Fridays special again since the "casual" theme was hopelessly redundant.

I think it's nice to relax silly standards sometimes. I appreciate that the dot-com era introduced a relaxed-cool philosophy best embodied by Steve Jobs' black turtleneck and jeans uniform. Why would he wear a suit when he's Steve Jobs? Who does he need to impress? I once heard that Sam Walton drove around in his favorite beat-up pickup truck despite his millions because if people judged him he'd just cry all the way to the bank.

BUT. Most people are not Steve Jobs or Sam Walton and should therefore contemplate what their clothes say about them.

I have always loved clothes for their transformative powers. Think about the fun of dressing up as a child. Consider Cinderella...Pygmalion...My Fair Lady...Pretty Woman...Clueless...the makeover in attitude makes a huge difference but the clothes can turn a guttersnipe into a countess.

F. Scott Fitzgerald wisely observed the following in his short story "Bernice Bobs Her Hair":

"When a girl feels that she's perfectly groomed and dressed she can forget that part of her.
That's charm.
The more parts of yourself you can afford to forget, the more charm you have."

I have always loved dressing up. I don't wear pants and don't even waste my time looking at them when I shop. Perhaps one day when I achieve Catherine Deneuve's physique I'll find some divine pair of sailor trousers or palazzo pants and go to town. Until then, dresses are the best fit for my body and my philosophy. A younger friend of mine wrote an email to me within the first few weeks of her freshman year at college and noted, "Whenever I wear dresses everyone always asks me why I am so dressed up; I knew you would understand."

Unless I put my best foot forward, I don't feel like I CAN move forward. In college I dressed up for exams, believing that if I felt ready to seize the day the test would be just one more item on my to-do list rather than the inevitable disaster I rolled out of bed in sweatpants to contend with.

I'm not suggesting that anyone buy into the gimmicks of the fashion world (just because I do it doesn't mean you have to). You don't have to spend more money than you can afford and you don't have to change who you are. But wearing sneakers, tshirts and jeans everywhere will hardly earn the respect of your peers. Don't be afraid to look great. Don't shy away from being perfectly put together. Embrace what's beautiful about the world and make every day lovely!

Happy Weekend!
Cxx.

Rant and Rave.

You know what I hate more than most things?

When people whistle in public.

You know what I hate more than that?

When people take their dogs EVERYWHERE.

You know what I hate more than that?

Jean skirts.

You know what I hate more than that?

Crocs.

You know what I hate more than that?

Crocs with bling.

You know what I hate more than that?

Fit Flops.

You know what I hate more than that?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Here Come the Grammar Police...

I am crazy about good grammar. I try not to correct mistakes I see or hear, but privately they eat away at me. I'm trying to work on it...But honestly, why should I? Rules exist for a reason. And while some rules were made to be broken, rules of communication should never be meddled with.

I am consistently shocked when I see a Facebook status or an email riddled with grammatical errors that simply shouldn't be made. College graduates make these mistakes! Teachers make these mistakes! With Google and M-W.com at their fingertips, they still make these mistakes! It sadly seems to be a larger issue than simply typing too fast or "not thinking," because if you know what's correct, you really shouldn't make mistakes. After all, you would never say "eye no" if you meant to say "I know," right?

I wish I could attribute my tendency to abide by the rules to many hours spent diagramming sentences in my middle school English class. (I wish I HAD paid more attention to sentence diagramming, but I was too busy being the class clown...) Instead, I learned to tread carefully and keep my grammar in check after some unsolicited criticism came my way at an early age.

Story #1:

When I was 8 years old, I sent a letter to a friend and wrote something to the effect of "your nice." My 9-years-older sister made fun of me upon seeing this error. She told me that if I didn't understand the difference between "your" and "you're," I would be made fun of for the rest of my life. Thanks, sis! You seared that lesson into my brain for all eternity (and I'm actually very grateful for it). Your criticism proves that you're the best older sister I could hope for!

Story #2:
In 7th grade I wrote a big report on the history and migration of ballet from Europe to the U.S. In addition to the written paper, we students were also required to create a tri-fold presentation board summarizing our research. Someone recommended, orally, that I organize my poster according to "Cause" and "Effect." Not seeing the latter word in writing led me to headline my poster: "Cause" and "Affect." My teacher was humiliated, and made me correct my board before it was allowed to be put in the library with the other students' boards.
Now I know that if a situation affects me, there will be long-term effects.

Here are a few other thoughts...

Who's = CONTRACTION of two words: "Who Is" or "Who Has"
versus
Whose = pronoun, POSSESSIVE form of "who".

(These are completely different words that should never be confused.)
-----
Then = SEQUENTIAL. "I did this, THEN I did that."
versus
Than = COMPARATIVE. "I would rather do this THAN do that."
-----
Further = I like to think of this in terms of physical, mental or temporal EXERTION.
"I had to push myself FURTHER". // "Furthermore, I would like to add..."
My mnemonic connects the "u"s: pUsh fUrther
versus
Farther = Used in reference to DISTANCE.
My mnemonic connects the "A"s: trAvel fArther
-----
Lose = What happens when something is LOST.
versus
Loose = The circumstances when something is NOT SECURE/TIGHT.
-----
Advise = VERB.
versus
Advice = Noun. What you produce when you advise someone.
-----
Decent = ADJECTIVE. When something is good, nice, appropriate.
versus
Descent = NOUN. Lineage (Chinese descent), slope (steep descent), act of descending
-----
A lot = Two words. You would never write "alittle"

Class dismissed.
Cxx.

An Eye for an Eye Makes the Whole World Blind.

I was really reluctant to post about this, especially immediately following such a joyous and uplifting post, but it's been on my mind non-stop for the past 24 hours and I have to write about it in order to find some kind of resolution...

While I was lazing around Princeton on Sunday morning, in my hometown of Wichita, Kansas, a man who was passing out programs as an usher at his church was fatally shot. His wife, standing in the choir at the time, was removed from the sanctuary and informed of her husband's death; her screams confirmed to the remainder of the congregation that something was terribly wrong.

Many times people identify a situation as "hitting close to home." In this case, it hit a single BLOCK away from home. I have marked on the map below the location of the Reformation Lutheran Church, where Dr. George Tiller was murdered (denoted by the balloon "A"), as well as my childhood home (where my parents still live) with a pink dot, just to the left of the church's location. It's literally a five minute walk to the church from my house, through a pleasant park, in an area of town sandwiched between several country clubs and affluent neighborhoods. In the Midwest, life tends to be calm and reliable, and you certainly never expect a murder to occur in a church.

I don't quite know how to make sense of what occurred. Most of my friends and acquaintances from Kansas have taken to their Facebook statuses to express confusion and sorrow. Many have gone further and condemned the state of Kansas as a whole. Amidst many collective and similar reactions, a few status messages have stood out because they offer different perspectives, and whether I agree with them or not, I appreciate that they have forced me to contemplate the validity and thoroughness of my own opinions.

One person said: "For everyone who is or is not from Kansas who is evidently "ashamed" of Kansas, please note that Kansas was the home of one of the few doctors and one of the few places that provided late-term abortions so you should be ashamed of this one shooter, not an entire state that seems to provide what the "more liberal" places you moved to or are from do not."

Another person said: "I love how pro-abortion activists are outraged at the murder of a fellow human being. Maybe they will finally realize that murder is evil, regardless of the victim."

The originators of both quotes are very conservative individuals whose political and religious views I disagree with 99.9% of the time. Yet, these quote gave me pause to think. As to the first quote: What does it mean when a conservative person recognizes--and seems to almost admire--the work of a doctor whose practice violates their very moral foundations? Does this offer hope of eventual understanding between people of opposing beliefs?

As to the second quote: Most people are crying foul in reference to the irony of a maliciously murdering pro-live advocate. And there's absolutely no question that these circumstances DEFINE irony and hypocrisy. BUT, doesn't a movie like "Valkyrie" (which I have not seen, but am familiar with the related historical event) praise men who tried to stop a mass-murdering villain? Is everyone truly entitled to their own opinion? What's the difference between a hero and a lunatic? Between an atomic bomb on a nation of people versus plotting Hitler's demise? Was Tiller's murderer simply a successful Valkyrie, albeit on a smaller scale? Is his murderer a hero, to be lauded?

As I alluded several paragraphs above, I haven't changed my views on abortion because of these Facebook op-eds. I have merely called into question the thoroughness of my defense of what I say I believe. I was raised as a non-denominational Christian. I will never be able to shake the lessons that years of Sunday school and summer church camps impressed upon the core of who I am as a person. This is even despite the fact that I no longer ascribe to most of what I was taught and currently feel most connected to Judaism if I had to associate myself with a religion. I am an odd hybrid or paradox, depending on how you see it. I'm the Christian Kansan with conservative parents and simultaneously the liberally-educated, New York City-living, recently-transformed Democrat.

Despite my conservative roots, however, I can confidently say that I believe women are entitled to reproductive freedom. I feel fortunate to never have been in a position in which I had to contemplate an abortion. I respectfully think that unless you actually find yourself in that dilemma it's easy to insist on the veracity of your opinion, whether pro-life or pro-choice. But I will say that I feel complete and total ownership over my body and would be FURIOUS if anyone laid claim to my organs, my blood, my DNA, my fetus. My Freshman year roommate was especially liberal and attended a reproductive rights rally in D.C. and returned to our dorm room toting this sign:

I really couldn't agree more.

I DO NOT expect people who don't agree with abortion to sit back and accept the passing of laws that violate their beliefs. But I do know that when people are extremists on either the Right or the Left, they polarize everyone and destroy all opportunities of proselytizing. Dialog HAS TO OCCUR to effect change.

After all, as Gandhi said:
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.